Every Funeral is My Dad's Funeral

I went to my aunt's funeral yesterday.  I was very close to her son growing up.  She was a great lady.  I really hate funerals.  I don't think anyone likes to go to them, but I have a special reason for hating them...


When I was only six years old my dad died.  I wasn't allowed to attend his funeral because my mom thought I was too young.  The ironic thing about this is that I was in the hospital room when he passed away and pronounced dead by the doctor.  I was told to "look out the window", but I knew something was wrong and turned around just in time to see it.  Six years old and seeing a doctor putting the sheet over your dad's head after he takes his last breath of life.


This memory, and the fact that I didn't have a chance to grieve, has made it impossible for me to attend funerals without bawling my eyes out.  It doesn't even matter who's funeral it is or if I even knew the person.  (Just thinking about it now, the tears are falling.)  Today I was ok because when we got to the church the sanctuary was full and we had to sit in the basement.  We only got to listen to the service.  If I were sitting upstairs looking at the casket and watching her kids and loved ones cry, I would have been a complete mess.
The last funeral prior to this one that I attended was for my cousin's teenage son who died in a car accident.  I made the mistake of going up to the front to look at his photos and view the body in the casket.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I was crying more than his mom or dad!  How embarrassing!  I usually try to refrain from viewing the casket because that is the really bad part that effects me the most.


Every funeral I go to is like my dad's funeral over and over again.  I think maybe I needed counseling or something to get over this a long time ago.  I am 42 years old now, so it's been 36 years ago,  three decades ago!  Shouldn't I be over it already?  I mean really?  I am the type of person who sees someone else crying and I start crying immediately.  I am a very emotional person.  I am now thinking of a way to gain some closure of this situation.  I could have my own funeral service for my dad.  I could talk to the pastor of our church about it. (Tears are falling again and I'm getting the headache you get from crying and my chest hurts now too!)


I've been to the cemetery to visit my dad's grave.  We go every years for Memorial Day.  Maybe I need to go more often or alone so I can "talk" to him.  When I was growing up my best friend lived in the country just up the road from the cemetery where my dad is buried.  We would walk there all the time as kids.  I remember one particular time when we walked there.  Right in front of the gate were two huge snakes!  I think that was some sort of sign!  How often does that happen?


I don't think my sisters feel the same way as I do about my dad.  I don't think they visit my dad's grave anymore and I know they don't cry like I do.  I've gone to relatives funerals with them and they don't cry like I do.  I guess they went to his funeral and got the closure that I need.  My oldest sister was 16 and my other sister was 11.  Our dad had juvenile diabetes and when he was only 37 years old he died.  His diabetes was so out of control that his liver and kidneys both totally shut down. I have a cousin and an uncle who both became blind from their diabetes, and another cousin who went into a coma when she was pregnant because of it.  It's so bad on his side of the family.  I just pray that my kids never get it.  My husband has it because his pancreas was damaged due to chemotherapy treatments.  His is controlled with pills though.  My dad had to have insulin shots all the time.  We had to keep orange juice and candy in the glove compartment of the car in case he had an attack.  He was really sick for a few months before he died.  At one point we flew in a friend's private plane to go visit him at a city hospital.  I also remember being at my grandpa's house and my cousins asking me and my sisters, "Is your dad going to die?"  What a thing to ask a child, or anyone for that matter!

My dad came from a family of 12 kids.  He was the son of a farmer and became a pig farmer.  He also worked at a meat packing plant.  My only real memories of him were of him taking us to the gas station to buy pop and candy, and taking us fishing.  I also remember working in the barn with him helping to deliver pigs and feed the little pigs. The really ironic thing to this story is that my husband almost died of cancer at the same age as my dad was when he passed away.  It's scary to think that my kids could of had to deal with what I went through by losing their dad.  I would have, however, allowed them to attend the funeral.  Thankfully though, my husband beat his cancer and it never happened!  Another strange coincidence is that my husband also lost his father when he was only 8 years old.  His dad died of a massive heart attack at 60 years old.  On the day of our wedding one of my husband's brothers said to us right after the service, "There are two dads in heaven smiling down on you today."  I believe this to be true.  Our dads are angels protecting us from heaven.

I often wondered what it would have been like if my father had lived.  I think I would have been very close to him.   I think my whole life would have been very different growing up. I always regret not getting to know him longer.  Hopefully one day soon I can get over this phobia of attending funerals.  I wonder if there is a word for that?

From the website Iampanicked.com, the word for this is:

"Necrophobia 

Even if death is a reality of life, many are overly afraid of it. Necrophobia is the fear of anything associated with death including coffins, funeral homes, funerals, and cadavers.
Although many people can and do successfully manage their phobias, for some the fear becomes a crippling presence in their lives requiring professional treatment and help."