Christmas 2010

I haven't written on my blog for a very, very long time.  I'm not sure why.  Either, I haven't found time or lost interest.  Well, I decided to update tonight since one of my two followers has said she misses my blogs!  :)

Well, I'm still working 3 jobs.  I don't bitch about it as much as I used to though.  I have figured out how to control my own schedule and not let the work control me.  Thank God!  I was very stressed out before discovering how to do this.  I also changed from checking to customer service at Hy-Vee.  There is a lot more freedom in CS.  It can be very busy and crazy at times, but overall, good.  I work about 28 - 30 hours at Hy-Vee, 9 hours at GNC and about 10 hours for Kraft Foods.

My husband switched jobs from being a sales rep for Dr. Pepper/7-Up to being a bread truck driver for Sara Lee bread company.  The alarm goes off for him at 2:15 am five days of the week.  I have found myself waking up automatically at that time, even when he doesn't need to get up.  Interrupted sleep isn't good. :(.  Such is life though.  Sara Lee is being bought out by a company called Bimbo and we are just praying that Jeff doesn't lose his new position with the company.  That would be quite devastating to say the least.

Dalton was playing competitive traveling basketball for a team out of Marion, Iowa - 3 hours away, but has quit.  The coaches were not the friendliest people.  They wouldn't even say hello to you at a tournament.  They also didn't want Dalton to shoot 3 pointers.  This is a problem because he is a 3 point shooter.  He is still playing for his school team in 8th grade.

Elle, our junior, didn't go out for basketball.  She is concentrating on her studies, which is paying off.  She is doing excellent in school and has taken college classes.  She has a boyfriend who has been spending a lot of time with us on the weekends.

I was supposed to settle my lawsuit this month, but I decided to go to an orthopaedic doctor to see if I had anything more serious wrong with me than tendonitis.  He just concluded I had tendonitist in my tricept muscle.  I went back to physical therapy and it is now out of my bicept and I am feeling much better.  I should be done with physical therapy for the second time next week.  Then, hopefully, we can get this thing settled and behind us.  Can't believe it's almost been a year since the accident happened.

Today is Christmas Day 2010.  It was a great Christmas.  The kids got clothes mostly and I-Touches.  I'm not sure what that is.  Elle and I also got new Blackberrys.  That was a big surprise!  I was using a really old one that is huge and people can't believe it's a phone at all.  It will be nice when we get them switched over on Monday.  The kids are home for another week or so, until after New Year's.  Jeff and I are planning on going to Des Moines for New Year's Eve night.  Probably hit the casino, my favorite thing to do! 

Well, I hope everyone has had a great Christmas and will have a terrific New Year in 2011!  That is scary to say!  Elle graduates in 2012!\  Where has time gone?

Trying to Believe Again

Growing up my family wasn't too religious.  My father died when I was 6 and I believe my mom "gave up" on God.  I never understood this until recently.  Until my life fell apart too.  If there is a God, then why does he let horrible things happen to us?  Why does he let people get cancer for instance.  If he is always "watching out" for us, then why can't he stop us from making huge mistakes in our lives?  Our we ultimately responsible for our own actions?  People always say, "God has a plan for you", or "this is God's will".  Why would God will some of these horrible things to occur?  I understand through suffering we learn and thrive, but how much do we have to suffer?  How much do we have to endure before enough is enough?  After a while, say a year, of bad this happening, it is natural for a person to stop believing.

Miracles of God.  Are there miracles of God?  Does God make things happen to us?  Then what do you call the bad things?  God's will?  When a young healthy person dies, is this God's will.  I can understand an elderly person passing, but someone young and so alive with so much to live for?  No, I cannot accept this.

Everyone says how powerful prayer is.  How long must we pray before God grants us a miracle?  Does God  always answers our prayers?  Not always.  If you're lucky.  God has granted me a few answers to my prayers, but so many more have remained unanswered.  Why isn't God listening?  Doesn't he always listen?  Isn't he always around us?  Isn't he always watching over us?  I always thought so, but now I'm just not sure.

There has been much injustice in my life of late.  Maybe I deserve it, but where is God?  Why isn't he leading me to what is right?  Where is he leading me?  I am listening, but I can't hear him.  Ok, I haven't been to a church lately, but this is only because I am finding it so hard to believe.  When I look around at church and see people putting up their hands and praising God, I'm thinking, "What do I have to praise him for?"

What am I thankful to God for?  Well, I am thankful for my family.  I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food on the table.  But, what about all the bad times?  Where was God then?  I could make a list of all the times God wasn't there.  When evil things happened in my life.

Maybe God isn't always suppose to answer your prayers.  Then why do we pray?  I don't believe that we are always suppose to suffer either.  Is there a balance to this?  For every good thing, a bad thing happens?  Is there any rhyme or reason to God's "miracles"?  He has been there for at least two major events in my life - when my husband had cancer, and when we thought my son had cancer and ended up not having it.  But on the other end I would have a very long list. 

Should I just "learn my lessons" and lick my wounds and get over it?  Is it like forgiving someone for making a mistake.  I should forgive God and believe again?  Being alone and scared is a very dark place to be, especially when you don't think God is with you.  Are there signs that he is with me that I am missing?  Do I need to be more attentive to finding these signs?

I have not always been a "good" girl.  I have not always been a "bad" girl.  I believe I am a mixture of both good and evil.  I would really like to be more good than evil.  I have been tried too many times to test my good.  I have failed many times.

November 7, 2010

(I usually only write about a subject, but due to lack of time, I've decided to journal a little.)

Last night we went to the annual Fireman's Dance.  I wasn't really prepared on what to wear.  I wanted to wear jeans.  I spent about 5 minutes pulling on a short sleeved green sweater and a pair of black slacks.  Of course, I spent an hour and half on my hair and makeup! We went to a pre-dance party at one of the fireman's house.  When we arrived all the wives were wearing black with sparkly jewels.  I felt a little under dressed.  All the skinny minnies were wearing leggings with thigh-high boots.  I'm pretty sure all of them picked out their clothes the day or week before.  Oh, well.  I pretty much stood out just for not wearing black!

People started drinking at the pre-party.  I was drinking Coors Light because my usual wine would be like $4.00 a glass at the dance, and would be very cheap wine that would cost $3.00 a bottle.  This was a night to let loose for many.  Some drank a little more than others.  Getting a buzz made for interesting dance moves on the dance floor, which included a lot of grinding and sticking your ass out!  There was a circle where someone would get in the middle and do something fun.  It made a fun and interesting night.  We had a really good time.

The band was local.  They played two sets, and were going to play a third due to Daylight Savings time.  We were all partied out at midnight, which was really 1:00 am.  The next big fireman event will be the Christmas party.  Last year it was at the winery.  Hopefully it will be there again this year.  We almost didn't go to the dance at all.  We were suppose to go to a wedding, but those plans fell through due to the step-mother of the bride, my friend, leaving her husband weeks before the wedding.  Wow does she have some good timing!  It would have been very awkward still going to the wedding and her not being there.  If feel a little bad for totally blowing it off though.  Hopefully we weren't missed.

Can't Find Time to Blog Anymore!

I have grown an addiction to playing The Price is Right on Facebook.  Not good!  Spending my time blogging would be much better use of my time!  My kids both have laptops and now we are all always on the computer, with the exception of my husband.  He only gets on to check his email or our checking account.  He thinks we are all addicts.  He's probably right.  It's hard to remember life before Facebook.  How did we communicate with all of our friends before?  Phone?  Email? Face to face conversation?

My husband believes that our kids don't know how to communicate face to face with people because of Facebook.  He believes they don't have any social skills.  Mostly it's my son.  He hardly ever goes out with his friends.  He is always home on the computer.  I don't really believe though that if we took the computer away that he would go out more and do things. Well, at least he's not getting into trouble this way.

Do You Believe in Ghosts?

Halloween.  What scares you?  Do you believe in the Big Bad Wolf? Do you believe in Ghosts?  What does Halloween mean to you?


Halloween to me is more than Trick or Treating.  It's All Hallows Eve, the night that spirits both good and evil are allowed through to our world.  Kids wear costumes today because the evil spirits disguised themselves.  Watching scary movies and being scared makes Halloween fun!  I would love to go to a real live haunted house.  Not the make-believe haunted houses that kids go to, but one really possessed by ghosts or spirits.  I have a friend who is a member of a paranormal team.  I would love to go with her an investigate a house! 


I have lived in houses where I heard noises.  When I grew up my room had the attic door located within it.  I always heard strange noises up there.  I always believed that another family lived up there, hiding.  Even in the house we live in now I've heard things and seen things.  I've heard huge crashing noises when there was nothing that crashed or broke.  I've seen a towel swing back and forth on the shower curtain pole without there being any wind.  I've seen a huge paw print on the bathroom window.  Someone actually died of a heart attack in our bathroom, so I believe there are spirits here.  One day I was down our basement and saw our dog come down the stairs.  When I was going back up stairs I called for him, and he was already upstairs!  That really freaked the hell out of me!  Lately, for a while now, there hasn't been anything that has happened.  The last thing that happened was about a year ago when I was dusting in our living room.  I picked up a water glass and there underneath it was a perfect smiley face!  I took a photo, so I have proof!




Perfect smiley face in water found under a water glass.  No joke!

I swear I did not create this watermark.  I don't think anyone could.  I don't know if it was a sign from God saying "Have a great day!" Or maybe, it was a sign from a spirit, a friendly spirit.  Either way, I guess I was meant to find it.  I wish I could have kept it!


There was another photo I wish I knew where it was, and I may have it somewhere.  It was a photo of my daughter Elle.   She was named after me, Dawn Ellen, and my great grandmother, Ella.  In the photo of Elle, it turned out sort of double exposed.  You see, there was also a photo of my great grandma in the photo with her.  Weird, because my grandma Ella died when I was 11 years old.  I'm going to look for this photo and if I find it, I will post it.


I hope you all don't think I'm a freak!  I'm just unique!  Growing up I've also participated in seances.  My friend Deanna, who lived above a funeral home, had a slumber party in the funeral parlour, where they hold the funerals.  We played "As light as a feather, as stiff as a board" and tried to levitate someone.  My friend's family had their washer and dryer in the basement by the embalming room.  When the dryer went off it played "How Dry I Am"!  How weird is that!  When I was in college there was an ice storm and my friends and I played with a Ouija Board that night.  It spelled the name of a child from Alexandria, Minnesota who had died.  That was quite freaky!


No matter what you believe, have a great Halloween everyone!  Don't let the ghosts or goblins get you!

Changing It Up A Bit

Tisdale Wines California

Every weekend I buy a bottle of wine.  I have been buying either Merlot, Shiraz or Cabernet Sauvignon.  I bought red rose recently and really loved it.  Then I tried to go back to Merlot, but it didn't taste so good anymore.  Today I bought White Zinfandel that has watermelon and strawberry flavors in it.  It is also a great change.  I feel guilty spending only $3.46 for a bottle of wine, but that is what Tinsdale wine from California costs in Iowa.  I find that really hard to believe.  It's like the price of a box of crackers.  I really don't think that the higher the price, the better the wine.  I've had the more expensive wine.  The one that really stood out was called Cupcake wine.  It was very strong in flavor and color.  It was supposed to have chocolate flavoring in it.  I never tasted the chocolate, but the more I drank, the better it tasted!  lol!

I dream of traveling to California and touring the wineries.  Hopefully someday soon my husband and I will make it out there.  He actually has a sister who lives in Napa.  How ironic is that?  She has brought us bottles of wine from there when she has visited us.  I love all the California wines.  Maybe I should open a wine shop.  Good idea, I'd probably drink all the wine!

We actually have a winery in Carroll, Iowa.  It's called Santa Maria.  The grapes are grown in Wiley, Iowa, a teeny tiny town about 15 minutes away.  They have very good wine.  The winery is beautiful.  It has two large ballroom where people have work parties and wedding receptions.  They also have a restaurant that has very good food.  It is a very good asset to the town.

I have started a wine glass collection.  My newest one is very large and tall.  The cup part is clear glass and the stem is painted with gold.  I bought it for 50 cents at a local thrift store.  I actually own real Waterford crystal champagne flutes.  They were a Christmas gift at a company where I worked one year.  They are beautiful.  Each one was $50.  I am afraid to touch them because I don't want to break them.  I used to drink martinis and my friend gave me a very unique martini glass for my birthday one year.  It is painted with a tiger print and has a martini recipe on the bottom.  Maybe someday I'll drink wine out of it.



Newest addition to wine glass collection with Cupcake in the background

Waterford Crystal Champagne Flutes with one of my favoriate wines - Blackstone Merlot

Leopard print martini glass



Leopartotini recepie



Two more favorite wine glasses

I lucked out this weekend.  My local grocery store was having a Fire Sale on their wines.  I got pinot grigio for $3.00 and merlot for $5.00.   I am hoping they have some left for me to buy this weekend!  Love, love, love bargains!  I just signed up to be in a wine club so I can find out when their wine tastings are.  I'm excited about it!

Good Days

I'm not sure what has changed, but I'm not so stressed out these days.  I think it has to do with having the weekend off and having yesterday off.  A day off really helps you make it through the week less stressed out!  I just worked from 9:30 am to about 10:00 pm, and I was ok with it.  In the past I have actually broken down and cried before I had to go to work.  Especially at night or on a weekend when my family is home and I couldn't be with them.  I would just have an anxiety attack.

I have changed my thinking.  I'm not going to let work rule me, I'm going to rule it.  I am asking for days off.  I'm not going to be a freaking slave to the job.  I need a life outside of having 3 jobs.  I know, it's about time I figured this out!  Working a 41 1/2 hour work week just at Hy-Vee really did it for me.  With that and 10 hours at my other two jobs, that was 61 hours!  OMG!  No wonder I made so much money, but at what cost?  We all love to bitch until we see the paycheck, huh?

Life is Suffering

I went to the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and I think it impacted me much more than I had thought.  Right after I saw it I decided to try meditating.  I love it so much.  For 15 to 20 minutes, or however long you want to, you can clear your mind, free your mind.  You don't have to think about anything.  It's almost like you're sleeping, so peaceful.

After this, I got some books on Zen, Meditation and Buddhism at the library.  It is a very peaceful, simple way of living.  The three main points of Buddhism are: 1. Lead a moral life; 2. Be mindful and aware of thoughts and actions; and 3. Develop wisdom and understanding.

Buddha believes that life is suffering.  Suffering is caused by craving and aversion.  We need to give up craving and live each day.  Don't dwell on the past or imagine the future.  Live in the moment.  The goal is to be in nirvana, the state of being free from suffering.  They don't believe in taking the life of anything living.  Not taking anything that is not freely given.  Abstaining from sexual misconduct and refraining from untrue speech.  Pretty simple when you think about it.  Don't kill, don't steal, don't cheat and don't lie.  We cannot lose our mindfulness.  We are responsible for our past and present actions.  If we don't do anything wrong, then we don't have any ill actions or regrets.  They believe that wisdom is being compassionate, sharing, giving comfort, sympathy and concern.  I really want to live by these simple rules.

I plan to continue learning about being Zen and Buddhism.

Self-Control is a Dirty Word!

So I'm watching TV and see a commercial for something called a "Treadclimber".  It's a treadmill, stair stepper and elliptical machine all in one.  I think I need to order one ASAP!  But, then, when would I have time to get on it?  I'm lucky I have time to shower and pee!  No joke!  I have let my work take over my life.  I am going to start requesting more time off.  This week I will have worked about 51+ hours by Sunday.  I'll have nice paychecks, but what am I sacrificing?  My health and sanity.

I really need to start exercising religiously.  I have tried taking every kind of weight loss product know to man, but I know that without exercise, I'm never going to lose weight.  It's very frustrating.  When I got married I was a size 5 and weighed about 120 lbs.  Then the weight just kept coming on and on.  I lost weight about 8 years ago, but it came right back on.  It's so easy when you think about it, you just have to eat right and exercise.  But, why can't I do it?  Why is it so difficult?  I have no self control!  I keep thinking that as soon as my life settles down again I will do it.  Hopefully that is soon!  Once I start exercising it can be addictive.  One time I was exercising like 3 times a day.  I was addicted.  I had it in my brain that if I stopped I would gain it the weight back.  I wish that the addiction would have continued!

I look at skinny women and think "Were they born like that or were they once fat?"  Most of them I know where born like that and stayed like that.  They were blessed with a super high metabolism!  I wish I had one of those!  Some people stop eating or get poor appetites when they are stressed.  I eat everything in site!  I am a very emotional eater and boy do I have some emotions!  Food makes me happy in times of trouble!  There a reason why they call it "comfort food"!  Just saying that I am craving potatoes and gravy!  lol!

I really want to do it and hope that someday I will.  Hopefully it will be before my daughter is a senior, which is next year.  I don't want to be the super fat mom walking my daughter on the basketball court for Parent's Night.  Why do we always care what others think?  The last time I lost all the weight was for one of my high school class reunions.  I really didn't want to be the fat girl there.  As soon as it was over, I went back to my bad habits and within 6 months, the weight was back on.

I work at a health supplement store where we sell diet pills.  I hate to say this, but diet pills are a waste of money.  All they are is high levels of caffeine.  I've tried them all and I only lost weight on one.  But, after time, that one didn't even work.  My body adjusted to it. I guess my advice is don't waste your money.  There is only one way to lose weight and that is through food control and exercise.  I still want that treadclimber! :)

Life is So Unfair Sometimes

Lately life is frustrating the hell out of me.  Negativity is surrounding my family and I can't deal with it anymore. 

Last night I got pulled over by the local police.  I found out my car is still registered to the dealership.  We bought it 7 months ago.  Nice! 

Today I drove about 45 minutes to go see my daughter play volleyball.  She is a junior and is on the JV team.  The problem is that they have moved all the sophomores up and just ignore the juniors.  My daughter didn't play in the actual games tonight.  They put her in after the "real" game is done.  They keep playing afterwards until it's time for the varsity to play.  These games don't count.  I just find this pathetic and so unfair.  She has been playing a year longer than the other girls and has been put down my the coaches.  The head varsity coach basically runs all the other teams, JV and Freshman.  The JV coach is just a puppet of his.  It is so frustrating.  I can't even cheer the team on while my daughter is just sitting on the bench the whole damn time.  My daughter is a very sweet girl who doesn't complain about anything.  Maybe it is time that she does complain and speak up for herself.  My husband has emailed the coach to see if there is reason behind what they are doing.

I have so many things are seem to be on hold that I really would like to have move forward.  I have a legal situation that I would like to have solved and be done with.  I would like to finally find my full-time job with regular hours.  I just want to start living a normal life again.  I want to work 9-5.  Be able to walk around the lake again or exercise.  I want to be able to go to my kid's events whenever I need to without having to work and miss them.  I'm missing out on games.  I'm even missing out on my son's parent-teacher conferences this week.  It's just frustrating!

I can only think positive and keep trying to improve things and make things better.  I keep thinking that sooner or later things have to turn around.  Things have been bad for quite a while now.  The are getting better, but the process is very slow.  I keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel.  I CAN SEE IT!  Follow the light!

Sick

Why does the change of seasons from summer to fall always causes cold symptoms?  I feel like crap!  My throat is sore, I have drainage down the back of it.  Stuffy head.  I feel like shit!  I might as well as stayed in bed today.  I was suppose to work in the deli today.  Who would want someone as sick as me breathing on their meat or dips?   Not me!

I feel like I'm playing hooky.  I've been sitting in the recliner all day watching movies and tv.  Maybe this is what I needed though, what my body needs.  Sometimes when we don't know when to slow down, God makes us slow down.  I'm sure I'm just worn out from working three jobs and being stressed out from interviewing for full-time jobs that I didn't get.  I am hoping that God is good to me and makes me well and leads me to the job that is for me.  I believe in destiny, fate.  Maybe the job for me is one where there is still someone in that position.  It's a waiting game.  I don't like that game.  Don't want to play anymore.  I had a really good interview a week ago yesterday and never head from the employer.  It was between me and one other girl, out of 50 who applied!  You would think they would have called both of us.  I keep hoping that they just haven't gotten around to calling yet, maybe.  I know I need to call them.  I just don't want to hear that I didn't get the job.  I dread hearing it.

I need to hear something positive!  I need a spark of hope!  The darkness if closing in on me again!  That is a really bad feeling!  I really need some light at the end of the really dark tunnel that I have been in for over a year now!

Poetry From The Heart

New Beginnings

It's a new day,

today we get another chance.

Today it might go my way,

I may sing and dance.

A new beginning makes life worth living,

for those who are down

with heads hanging low to the ground.

Our hope sometimes gets stomped on,

we need something,

someone we can count on.

To hold us up

and make us tough.

So we can make it through,

to see anew.

Everyone needs someone to cheer for them,

It makes it all better in the end.

 

To be a Winner

Sometimes you just feel like crying,

you feel like your insides are dying.

You've lost all hope,

your ship has sank,

no longer floats.

Sometimes you have given all you've got,

and it just wasn't enough.

Defeet is hard to take,

it makes our hearts break.

Everyone wants to be a winner,

There is no feeling finer.

Accomplishment feels great,

for once you are the ace.



I Can't Stop Writing Poems

Star Gazing

Twinkly lights of stars so bright,

Light the sky,

catching my eye.

Stars so magical,

we wish all our wishes be fulfilled.

Falling stars are so rare,

you don't believe your eyes

when they fall through the air.

It must be a lucky sign,

at least that's what we believe in our minds.

They are like angels falling,

we find it so very charming.

If only our many wishes came true,

we would be believers through and through.

An Angels Love

With all your heavenly grace,

I see your shinning face.

Bright eyes like diamonds,

no wonder you were sent from heaven.

Flowing locks of gold,

just like we have always been told.

Wings white as doves,

with these we feel your love.

In your arms you take us,

forgetting all our troubles you make us.

Safe is what we feel,

for we know your love is real.

Ode to Wine

Flowing from your bottle to my glass,

how much I have, don't tell, don't ask.

Oh, wine I love you so,

how much, you'll never know.

So relaxed you make me feel,

I wonder, can you be for real?

You taste like ripe red grapes and cherries,

you make my mood so merry.

Your rich color is so deep red,

you always make me ready for bed.

Thank you for being there,

when the day has been too much to bare.

Every Funeral is My Dad's Funeral

I went to my aunt's funeral yesterday.  I was very close to her son growing up.  She was a great lady.  I really hate funerals.  I don't think anyone likes to go to them, but I have a special reason for hating them...


When I was only six years old my dad died.  I wasn't allowed to attend his funeral because my mom thought I was too young.  The ironic thing about this is that I was in the hospital room when he passed away and pronounced dead by the doctor.  I was told to "look out the window", but I knew something was wrong and turned around just in time to see it.  Six years old and seeing a doctor putting the sheet over your dad's head after he takes his last breath of life.


This memory, and the fact that I didn't have a chance to grieve, has made it impossible for me to attend funerals without bawling my eyes out.  It doesn't even matter who's funeral it is or if I even knew the person.  (Just thinking about it now, the tears are falling.)  Today I was ok because when we got to the church the sanctuary was full and we had to sit in the basement.  We only got to listen to the service.  If I were sitting upstairs looking at the casket and watching her kids and loved ones cry, I would have been a complete mess.
The last funeral prior to this one that I attended was for my cousin's teenage son who died in a car accident.  I made the mistake of going up to the front to look at his photos and view the body in the casket.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I was crying more than his mom or dad!  How embarrassing!  I usually try to refrain from viewing the casket because that is the really bad part that effects me the most.


Every funeral I go to is like my dad's funeral over and over again.  I think maybe I needed counseling or something to get over this a long time ago.  I am 42 years old now, so it's been 36 years ago,  three decades ago!  Shouldn't I be over it already?  I mean really?  I am the type of person who sees someone else crying and I start crying immediately.  I am a very emotional person.  I am now thinking of a way to gain some closure of this situation.  I could have my own funeral service for my dad.  I could talk to the pastor of our church about it. (Tears are falling again and I'm getting the headache you get from crying and my chest hurts now too!)


I've been to the cemetery to visit my dad's grave.  We go every years for Memorial Day.  Maybe I need to go more often or alone so I can "talk" to him.  When I was growing up my best friend lived in the country just up the road from the cemetery where my dad is buried.  We would walk there all the time as kids.  I remember one particular time when we walked there.  Right in front of the gate were two huge snakes!  I think that was some sort of sign!  How often does that happen?


I don't think my sisters feel the same way as I do about my dad.  I don't think they visit my dad's grave anymore and I know they don't cry like I do.  I've gone to relatives funerals with them and they don't cry like I do.  I guess they went to his funeral and got the closure that I need.  My oldest sister was 16 and my other sister was 11.  Our dad had juvenile diabetes and when he was only 37 years old he died.  His diabetes was so out of control that his liver and kidneys both totally shut down. I have a cousin and an uncle who both became blind from their diabetes, and another cousin who went into a coma when she was pregnant because of it.  It's so bad on his side of the family.  I just pray that my kids never get it.  My husband has it because his pancreas was damaged due to chemotherapy treatments.  His is controlled with pills though.  My dad had to have insulin shots all the time.  We had to keep orange juice and candy in the glove compartment of the car in case he had an attack.  He was really sick for a few months before he died.  At one point we flew in a friend's private plane to go visit him at a city hospital.  I also remember being at my grandpa's house and my cousins asking me and my sisters, "Is your dad going to die?"  What a thing to ask a child, or anyone for that matter!

My dad came from a family of 12 kids.  He was the son of a farmer and became a pig farmer.  He also worked at a meat packing plant.  My only real memories of him were of him taking us to the gas station to buy pop and candy, and taking us fishing.  I also remember working in the barn with him helping to deliver pigs and feed the little pigs. The really ironic thing to this story is that my husband almost died of cancer at the same age as my dad was when he passed away.  It's scary to think that my kids could of had to deal with what I went through by losing their dad.  I would have, however, allowed them to attend the funeral.  Thankfully though, my husband beat his cancer and it never happened!  Another strange coincidence is that my husband also lost his father when he was only 8 years old.  His dad died of a massive heart attack at 60 years old.  On the day of our wedding one of my husband's brothers said to us right after the service, "There are two dads in heaven smiling down on you today."  I believe this to be true.  Our dads are angels protecting us from heaven.

I often wondered what it would have been like if my father had lived.  I think I would have been very close to him.   I think my whole life would have been very different growing up. I always regret not getting to know him longer.  Hopefully one day soon I can get over this phobia of attending funerals.  I wonder if there is a word for that?

From the website Iampanicked.com, the word for this is:

"Necrophobia 

Even if death is a reality of life, many are overly afraid of it. Necrophobia is the fear of anything associated with death including coffins, funeral homes, funerals, and cadavers.
Although many people can and do successfully manage their phobias, for some the fear becomes a crippling presence in their lives requiring professional treatment and help."

Am I a Hoarder?

Fall has arrived and it is time to dig out the fall/winter clothes.  The problem is that I have garbage bag upon garbage bag full of clothes down my basement.  There are so many that I don't know where to start!  There are winter clothes that don't fit me.  There are summer clothes that don't fit me.  There are winter clothes that do fit me.  And there are summer clothes that do fit me.  Besides all these, there are kids clothes down there too.  The only one who doesn't have clothes down there is my husband, who has all his clothes in our bedroom.

Why do I insist on keeping clothes that don't fit me?  I always hope to lose weight and fit into them again.  I have lost major weight a couple of times since being married.  I go from a very large size, not going to say what size, down to a tiny size.  Losing about 20 to 50 pounds each time.  I also am one who puts a small size of jeans hanging on my closet door as an incentive to lose weight.

What is my problem with weight?  I am an emotional eater.  I think I am better at it now.  I have been on some medication for about a year now that has helped.  I don't workout a whole lot.  Right now for my jobs I stand all day, so I don't feel like working out before or after work.  I really want to lose weight though.  My daughter will be a senior next year and I don't want to be the fat mom at Parent's Night walking Elle onto the basketball court.  I inherited very large hips from the dad's mom.  I got these hips in about 5th or 6th grade.  I have two sisters who also inherited these hips.  All three of us are pretty over weight.  My mom is 72 years old now and is an exercise freak and has lost weight down to a size 8 or so.  She is retired and has a lot of "me" time to do this.  When I do work out regularly I do become addicted to it.  One time I was so addicted that I would workout three times a day.  This is when I had a regular 8-5 desk job.  I have never been one to get up in the morning and exercise.  I wish I was!  When I do work out it is either late in the afternoon or at like 9:00 pm at night.

Anyway, getting back to the hoarding.  I am the type of person who doesn't like to throw anything away.  I guess I didn't have a lot growing up, so I don't like to get rid of anything.  I don't know if is healthy having all these clothes around.  The last time I lost weight I tried to get rid of all my fat clothes, hoping I would never need them again.  My husband gets very upset with me because I have all these bags laying around taking up space.  I have started going through them and have sorted out a few things that are no longer in style or can't believe I actually wore!  I know I will feel so much better when it is all sorted out and I have given it to the used clothing store as a charitable donation.  Our local used clothing store is ran by a home for disable people and all the money they make goes to it.  The problem usually is that I sort it all out and then I don't take to the store, it just gets mixed back up with everything else.

I'm going to do it though!  I'm going to sort it all out and get rid of it!  And then I'm going to lose weight and get rid of some more of it and buy new smaller clothes!  My goal is to get down to a very small size jean and buy those jeans with the studded rhinestone crosses on the butt.  I have seen these in the stores and they cost about $90 to $120.  Once I get down there and purchase these, there is no way I'm going to go back to the other, bigger jeans!  I know I can do it because I've done it twice before.  When I do do it, people always ask me if I'm sick.  They think I've lost so much weight because I have an illness!  It's kind of comical actually!  Below is a photo of the jeans I'm going to get into!  Wish me luck!  Maybe I should just wire my jaw shut!  I'd like to get liposuction and a tummy tuck!  I wonder if there is a plastic surgeon who would do this for free!  Dream on!

What Makes You Happy?

Have you ever thought about what makes us truly happy?  Is it material things like traveling, cars, houses, etc.  Or is it family and friends?  When are us most happy?  What does it mean to be truly happy?

I think happiness comes with being stress free.  What does it take to be stress free?  For me it is a happy family life, a great job, no debt, no medical issues, etc.  I have the happy family life.  It has been a very long journey, starting 19 years ago.  There have been some rough bumps along the way, but we have made it full circle.  I'm working on the great job.  I haven't found the "ideal" job.  I always think the perfect job is no job at all!  Financially independent would be awesome.  We are working our way down to no debt, that takes time.  Knock on wood, for now we are medically pretty well.

Other things that would make me happy, like everyone else, are the material things.  I would love to travel with the family.  I would love to have season tickets to football, basketball, or some other sport.  I would love to go to concerts, musicals, plays, etc. whenever I choose to.  I would love to go shopping whenever I wanted and to buy whatever I wanted.  I know there are people who live like that, but I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

I was born to a pig farmer and a nurse.  I came from a tiny town and lived on a farm.  My dad died when I was six years old and that made things a little tight.  We always got what we needed though.  My two sisters and I got most of our clothes when we were really young from used clothing stores, but we had a great time trying them all on and choosing what we liked. We had a wood burning furnace in our basement and chopped our own wood and hauled it down the basement every winter.  Things got better after my two sisters had left home and I was the only one left.  My mom bought a brand new Mustang when I was a freshman in high school and gave it to me.  I was very lucky and loved that car.  I picked my first prom dress out of "Seventeen Magazine".  I went to a private college that was very expensive.

Once you get married and have kids of your own, you realize how expensive it is running a household.  So many bills to pay - the cellphone, the heat, the electricity, etc.  It opens your eyes to what your parents went through.  When my husband and I first got married we moved to Denver, Colorado.  We got into a lot of credit card debt trying to live well.  We ate out a lot, went shopping a lot and did a lot of activities such as skiing, traveling, joining a gym, etc.  We learned quickly how stupid that was.

You always want to give your kids the best and what they want.  We buy our kids clothing labels like Hollister, Aeropostale, American Eagle, etc.  We finally got our daughter her first car, after she had her license for a year.  Our son has been on traveling basketball teams requiring a lot of travel out of state.  We have had to make sacrifices a long the way.  My husband works very hard, long hours.  I try to help out by working 3 jobs.  We do it for our kids.  We do it out of love, simply put.

Someday I hope it all gets a little easier.  Having a little extra money would be nice.  Our kids are old enough to work now and make their own money.  At 17 and 13, they both opened checking accounts recently.  It's weird when your kid has their own debit card and checkbook.  You realize how mature they are getting.  They pay for their own clothes.  My daughter pays for her own gas.  It was my daughter's birthday, so my son writes her a check for $20.

I think it's ok to have nice things and to get to do things, but we must always remember that the most important thing is family.  Having each other and loving each other.  It doesn't get any better than that.   I believe you truly know what this is when you have to go through some tough times together.  Our family has been through some tough times and have bonded because of these times.  You appreciate things you take for granted when you no longer have them.  If we were given everything, we wouldn't appreciate them.  When you save for things and wait for what you want, you love it even more.

I guess my message is enjoy life and the material things, but treasure the ones you love even more.  Don't forget the most important things in life.

Elle's 17th Birthday

My only daughter, Elle Dawn, turned 17 yesterday.  She was born on 09/03/93.  Cool birth date, huh?  She is my namesake, my name being Dawn Ellen.  I was my Great Grandma's namesake, her name being Ella.  It makes me very scared that she is a junior this year.  One more year until she goes away to college.  One more year at home with us.  It will be so hard to let her go.  Let her live independently.  Make her own mistakes.  Live and learn.  Deal with boys who want to use her and break her heart.  I'm actually hoping that she has a boyfriend when she goes to college, then she won't be put in that situation.  The situation that I was in when I went to college. (Actually, I had a boyfriend when I went to college, and broke up with him after the first week there.  After seeing all the cute guys there! lol!  My boyfriend was about 2 years younger than me and I was doing him a favor, right?)  Anyway, back to Elle.

When I was pregnant with Elle 17 year ago, I had preeclampsia (toxemia).  I was induced two weeks early.  I had my water broken and things didn't go too quickly after that.  I was in labor for 28 hours.  I was suck at 9 centimeters dilated.  The doctor decided she had to get her out.  She tried using a vacuum extractor and it broke.  Then she used forceps to pull her out.  Elle came out with a big bruises on her little cheeks, but she was out.  She was stubborn then and is still stubborn now.  Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her shoulder, so when she did come out, she wasn't breathing right away.  But, soon after.  She weighed in at 6 lbs, 9 oz, 21 inches long.  A really long skinny baby.

Today she is about 5'6" and is a size 0.  Still skinny!  She is a quite child, just like she was when we came out.  Very shy.  She is an athlete.  She plays volleyball, basketball and track.  She is a long-distance runner.  She has some unique traits.  Her thumbs have always been irregularly shaped - short and fat.  When she was 15, we discovered this was due to her having Poland Syndrome, a birth defect.  She had to have surgery at 16 to fix another symptom of this syndrome.  Nothing major, she is completely fine now.

Elle is a selfless soul, always giving to others and never wanting anything in return.  When we ask her what she wants for her birthday or Christmas, she will say, "Nothing."  She is very kind and considerate.  She is not someone who raises her voice or gets mad easily.  She is one who doesn't complain and just deals with things.  I'm not sure where she gets this from, because I complain a lot.  Maybe from her dad?  I've also always know what I wanted for birthdays or Christmas.  This is also from her dad. Daddy's little girl.

Being the first child, Elle has had to endure being the first jock in the family.  My husband is a sports fanatic.  He has coached  her in softball, soccer, volleyball and basketball.  He soon discovered that girls are very emotional creatures and couldn't take it anymore!  lol!  Thank God our second child was a boy!

Anyway, happy birthday Elle!  I'm going to make the most out of the last two years I have her at home and try to spoil her often!  My message to all the moms out there is not to take your children for granted, because one day you will wake up and they will be gone to college.

Original Poems by Breaking Dawn

The following are some poems I wrote tonight.  I hope to add to these.

What Am I Worth?

What is my worth?

Who have I hurt?

Am I important?

Have I made amendments?

Who am I,

to find out I try

Finding myself

is like finding a book on a shelf

Soul searching daily

makes me crazy

Have I found my soul?

This I do not know

How do others view me?

Do they see right through me?

Or do I stand out in the crowd?

Do I should out loud?

Do I need their approval?

Will they tell me I'm evil?

Do they view me as nice?

Or do they think I'm cold as ice?

Can they see my pain?

What is there to gain?

To feel their love

I would soar like a dove

Please Save Me

Save me o' lord,

my pleas I hope you've heard.

Hold me tight in your arms,

and forgive me of all my wrongs

Direct me to the light,

teach me wrong from right.

Strength, please give to me,

let me be all I can be.

Allow me to give,

because of you I live.

Make me pure again,

for my life with you has just began.

Angels send to greet me,

please come down to meet me.

Real Love

Real love is unselfish,
the kind of love where you would do anything,
including dying for someone.

Real love is forgiving your love for the unforgivable
and being able to more forward
with the act always in your head and killing your heart.

Real love is getting married
having a family and
growing old together.

Real love is something that
every person should experience.

Real love is a feeling of calmness and security.

Real love is what I feel for you
and is what you have given to me.

Fear

Fear of something horrible happening to you or your loved ones.

Fear of accidents, fear of poverty, fear of losing it all.

Fear of the unknown.

If we constantly live in fear, how can we enjoy life?

If we always think the worst is going to happen,
 what does that do to our human spirit?

We cannot live in fear.

Hope


Hope is trusting in God,
trusting in luck,
trusting in destiny,
that your life will be happy.


When we stop hoping,
there is nothing left,
but fear.


Hope is all we have.


The Past

Many a mistake I have made,
I will take them to my grave.

Your past comes back to haunt you,
making it hard to start fresh and new.

Regrets, I have many,
but cannot change them any.

I must move forward,
because I can't go backwards.

Forgive and forget,
sometimes that's all we get.

Letting go of the past is difficult,
so is living with the guilt.

God forgives us all our sins,
then new life can begin.


Lord, Be My Guide


I trust that God is looking over me,
I  know that he will guide me.


He will show me they way
each and every day.


I will listen when he speaks,
to the choices I should make


He will give me the strength
to endure the pain,
while I work for more to gain.


I have no doubt
his words will come out of my mouth.


I will give it all I've got,
because everyone deserves another shot.


To start a new,
would be dream come true.


























'

.

Sun Rise, Sun Set

We wake up each morning, take a shower, dress and go to work.  What motivates us to perform this process?  Paying our bills.  Providing for our family. Trying to save money to afford the finer things in life,  enjoyable activities.  What is the ultimate goal?  I'm sure there are some who are career driven, who thrive on climbing up the corporate ladder.  "Workaholics".

I know one such workaholic.  He is a salesman for a food product.  He works everyday, most days from 7:00 am to 9:00 pm.  He had a wife and a son.  I say had because his wife left him and now they are divorced.  Now he lives in a condo all alone, still working those long hours, but now with nothing to go home to.  He told me that he drinks several beers nightly in order to unwind.  Besides being a workaholic, was he also an alcoholic?  Was it both reasons why his wife left him?  His son got a brain tumor at age 6 months. He was now 14 years old still living with a brain tumor with limitations to his life.  Could this be the reason why his dad threw himself into his work and was never home?  So he didn't have to deal with his problems?

Sometimes working can be the problem and sometimes working can create problems.  Even though we have to work, we need to find the time to spent with our spouse and our children.  Working causes stress.  Stress causes people to be in an unfavorable mood and the people stressed out spread this mood onto the people they love.  Thus, causing material problems and problems with your children.  Imagine if you worked one job all day and then worked another job all night.  Would you be in a condition to come home and relax and talk to your spouse?  No, you would probably want to go to bed and sleep right away.

How do we balance work and our private lives?  We spend over half our lives working.  I believe our own time is so very limited that we need to make the most of it.  Why waste it fighting with your spouse or your children?  What do people want to do with their free time?  Watch TV?  Read a book?  Work out? Going out to eat?  Going to movies?  No matter what we choose to do, we need to save time to spend with our families.

When your children are little they are always home.  When they grow up you never see them.  They are going out with friends or going to sports practice or in school, and then they are gone.  There is no turning back time.  Sure, they will come home for weekends or holidays, but that's about it.  Sometimes they won't come home, they will want to stay at school to do things with friends.  After college they will move away or get married.  Does that mean you just let them go and never call them?  I feel that the bond with your child should last forever. 

I work at a grocery store.  Everyday I see older women with small children in their carts, their grandchildren.  I think this is a very precious thing.  There are some grandparents who don't do anything with their children or grandchildren.  There is a fine line between taking care of your grandchildren and having them thrown at you though.  I know there are some parents who take advantage of their parents to care for their children.  Then it becomes a burden, not enjoyable.

"Live to love,

live to live,

live not to work,

work to live."

We need to enjoy life and our loved ones and not make working or our career monopolize our time.   Make each moment count.  If we are always in a hurry in life, there is no time to stop and smell the roses.  Sometimes we are forced into stopping.  We get sick or a loved one gets hurt or injured.  Then we find we have lots of time to spend with them in an unfortunate way to get there.  Events have to stop us in our tracks to make us realize what is important in life.  If we are busy makes plans all of the time, we are missing living.

There are people who suddenly find themselves dying of cancer or another disease.  They are suddenly stopped and realize they are running out of time, their lives are running out.  There are always regrets.  Regretting that you didn't spend enough time with your spouse or your child.  Regrets that you didn't accomplish something you wanted to and now it is too late. We need to try not to have any regrets.  There is a movie called "The Bucket List".  It is about a man who is dying and sets out to do a number of things on a list that he always wanted to do.  The list included seeing the Grand Canyon, flying in a hot air balloon and driving a great ride.

"...Live free and beauty surrounds you

The world still astounds you

Each time you look at a star

Stay free, where no walls divide you

You're free as the roaring tide

So there's no need to hide

Born free, and life is worth living

But only worth living

'Cause you're born free"