Life is So Unfair Sometimes

Lately life is frustrating the hell out of me.  Negativity is surrounding my family and I can't deal with it anymore. 

Last night I got pulled over by the local police.  I found out my car is still registered to the dealership.  We bought it 7 months ago.  Nice! 

Today I drove about 45 minutes to go see my daughter play volleyball.  She is a junior and is on the JV team.  The problem is that they have moved all the sophomores up and just ignore the juniors.  My daughter didn't play in the actual games tonight.  They put her in after the "real" game is done.  They keep playing afterwards until it's time for the varsity to play.  These games don't count.  I just find this pathetic and so unfair.  She has been playing a year longer than the other girls and has been put down my the coaches.  The head varsity coach basically runs all the other teams, JV and Freshman.  The JV coach is just a puppet of his.  It is so frustrating.  I can't even cheer the team on while my daughter is just sitting on the bench the whole damn time.  My daughter is a very sweet girl who doesn't complain about anything.  Maybe it is time that she does complain and speak up for herself.  My husband has emailed the coach to see if there is reason behind what they are doing.

I have so many things are seem to be on hold that I really would like to have move forward.  I have a legal situation that I would like to have solved and be done with.  I would like to finally find my full-time job with regular hours.  I just want to start living a normal life again.  I want to work 9-5.  Be able to walk around the lake again or exercise.  I want to be able to go to my kid's events whenever I need to without having to work and miss them.  I'm missing out on games.  I'm even missing out on my son's parent-teacher conferences this week.  It's just frustrating!

I can only think positive and keep trying to improve things and make things better.  I keep thinking that sooner or later things have to turn around.  Things have been bad for quite a while now.  The are getting better, but the process is very slow.  I keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel.  I CAN SEE IT!  Follow the light!

Sick

Why does the change of seasons from summer to fall always causes cold symptoms?  I feel like crap!  My throat is sore, I have drainage down the back of it.  Stuffy head.  I feel like shit!  I might as well as stayed in bed today.  I was suppose to work in the deli today.  Who would want someone as sick as me breathing on their meat or dips?   Not me!

I feel like I'm playing hooky.  I've been sitting in the recliner all day watching movies and tv.  Maybe this is what I needed though, what my body needs.  Sometimes when we don't know when to slow down, God makes us slow down.  I'm sure I'm just worn out from working three jobs and being stressed out from interviewing for full-time jobs that I didn't get.  I am hoping that God is good to me and makes me well and leads me to the job that is for me.  I believe in destiny, fate.  Maybe the job for me is one where there is still someone in that position.  It's a waiting game.  I don't like that game.  Don't want to play anymore.  I had a really good interview a week ago yesterday and never head from the employer.  It was between me and one other girl, out of 50 who applied!  You would think they would have called both of us.  I keep hoping that they just haven't gotten around to calling yet, maybe.  I know I need to call them.  I just don't want to hear that I didn't get the job.  I dread hearing it.

I need to hear something positive!  I need a spark of hope!  The darkness if closing in on me again!  That is a really bad feeling!  I really need some light at the end of the really dark tunnel that I have been in for over a year now!

Poetry From The Heart

New Beginnings

It's a new day,

today we get another chance.

Today it might go my way,

I may sing and dance.

A new beginning makes life worth living,

for those who are down

with heads hanging low to the ground.

Our hope sometimes gets stomped on,

we need something,

someone we can count on.

To hold us up

and make us tough.

So we can make it through,

to see anew.

Everyone needs someone to cheer for them,

It makes it all better in the end.

 

To be a Winner

Sometimes you just feel like crying,

you feel like your insides are dying.

You've lost all hope,

your ship has sank,

no longer floats.

Sometimes you have given all you've got,

and it just wasn't enough.

Defeet is hard to take,

it makes our hearts break.

Everyone wants to be a winner,

There is no feeling finer.

Accomplishment feels great,

for once you are the ace.



I Can't Stop Writing Poems

Star Gazing

Twinkly lights of stars so bright,

Light the sky,

catching my eye.

Stars so magical,

we wish all our wishes be fulfilled.

Falling stars are so rare,

you don't believe your eyes

when they fall through the air.

It must be a lucky sign,

at least that's what we believe in our minds.

They are like angels falling,

we find it so very charming.

If only our many wishes came true,

we would be believers through and through.

An Angels Love

With all your heavenly grace,

I see your shinning face.

Bright eyes like diamonds,

no wonder you were sent from heaven.

Flowing locks of gold,

just like we have always been told.

Wings white as doves,

with these we feel your love.

In your arms you take us,

forgetting all our troubles you make us.

Safe is what we feel,

for we know your love is real.

Ode to Wine

Flowing from your bottle to my glass,

how much I have, don't tell, don't ask.

Oh, wine I love you so,

how much, you'll never know.

So relaxed you make me feel,

I wonder, can you be for real?

You taste like ripe red grapes and cherries,

you make my mood so merry.

Your rich color is so deep red,

you always make me ready for bed.

Thank you for being there,

when the day has been too much to bare.

Every Funeral is My Dad's Funeral

I went to my aunt's funeral yesterday.  I was very close to her son growing up.  She was a great lady.  I really hate funerals.  I don't think anyone likes to go to them, but I have a special reason for hating them...


When I was only six years old my dad died.  I wasn't allowed to attend his funeral because my mom thought I was too young.  The ironic thing about this is that I was in the hospital room when he passed away and pronounced dead by the doctor.  I was told to "look out the window", but I knew something was wrong and turned around just in time to see it.  Six years old and seeing a doctor putting the sheet over your dad's head after he takes his last breath of life.


This memory, and the fact that I didn't have a chance to grieve, has made it impossible for me to attend funerals without bawling my eyes out.  It doesn't even matter who's funeral it is or if I even knew the person.  (Just thinking about it now, the tears are falling.)  Today I was ok because when we got to the church the sanctuary was full and we had to sit in the basement.  We only got to listen to the service.  If I were sitting upstairs looking at the casket and watching her kids and loved ones cry, I would have been a complete mess.
The last funeral prior to this one that I attended was for my cousin's teenage son who died in a car accident.  I made the mistake of going up to the front to look at his photos and view the body in the casket.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I was crying more than his mom or dad!  How embarrassing!  I usually try to refrain from viewing the casket because that is the really bad part that effects me the most.


Every funeral I go to is like my dad's funeral over and over again.  I think maybe I needed counseling or something to get over this a long time ago.  I am 42 years old now, so it's been 36 years ago,  three decades ago!  Shouldn't I be over it already?  I mean really?  I am the type of person who sees someone else crying and I start crying immediately.  I am a very emotional person.  I am now thinking of a way to gain some closure of this situation.  I could have my own funeral service for my dad.  I could talk to the pastor of our church about it. (Tears are falling again and I'm getting the headache you get from crying and my chest hurts now too!)


I've been to the cemetery to visit my dad's grave.  We go every years for Memorial Day.  Maybe I need to go more often or alone so I can "talk" to him.  When I was growing up my best friend lived in the country just up the road from the cemetery where my dad is buried.  We would walk there all the time as kids.  I remember one particular time when we walked there.  Right in front of the gate were two huge snakes!  I think that was some sort of sign!  How often does that happen?


I don't think my sisters feel the same way as I do about my dad.  I don't think they visit my dad's grave anymore and I know they don't cry like I do.  I've gone to relatives funerals with them and they don't cry like I do.  I guess they went to his funeral and got the closure that I need.  My oldest sister was 16 and my other sister was 11.  Our dad had juvenile diabetes and when he was only 37 years old he died.  His diabetes was so out of control that his liver and kidneys both totally shut down. I have a cousin and an uncle who both became blind from their diabetes, and another cousin who went into a coma when she was pregnant because of it.  It's so bad on his side of the family.  I just pray that my kids never get it.  My husband has it because his pancreas was damaged due to chemotherapy treatments.  His is controlled with pills though.  My dad had to have insulin shots all the time.  We had to keep orange juice and candy in the glove compartment of the car in case he had an attack.  He was really sick for a few months before he died.  At one point we flew in a friend's private plane to go visit him at a city hospital.  I also remember being at my grandpa's house and my cousins asking me and my sisters, "Is your dad going to die?"  What a thing to ask a child, or anyone for that matter!

My dad came from a family of 12 kids.  He was the son of a farmer and became a pig farmer.  He also worked at a meat packing plant.  My only real memories of him were of him taking us to the gas station to buy pop and candy, and taking us fishing.  I also remember working in the barn with him helping to deliver pigs and feed the little pigs. The really ironic thing to this story is that my husband almost died of cancer at the same age as my dad was when he passed away.  It's scary to think that my kids could of had to deal with what I went through by losing their dad.  I would have, however, allowed them to attend the funeral.  Thankfully though, my husband beat his cancer and it never happened!  Another strange coincidence is that my husband also lost his father when he was only 8 years old.  His dad died of a massive heart attack at 60 years old.  On the day of our wedding one of my husband's brothers said to us right after the service, "There are two dads in heaven smiling down on you today."  I believe this to be true.  Our dads are angels protecting us from heaven.

I often wondered what it would have been like if my father had lived.  I think I would have been very close to him.   I think my whole life would have been very different growing up. I always regret not getting to know him longer.  Hopefully one day soon I can get over this phobia of attending funerals.  I wonder if there is a word for that?

From the website Iampanicked.com, the word for this is:

"Necrophobia 

Even if death is a reality of life, many are overly afraid of it. Necrophobia is the fear of anything associated with death including coffins, funeral homes, funerals, and cadavers.
Although many people can and do successfully manage their phobias, for some the fear becomes a crippling presence in their lives requiring professional treatment and help."

Am I a Hoarder?

Fall has arrived and it is time to dig out the fall/winter clothes.  The problem is that I have garbage bag upon garbage bag full of clothes down my basement.  There are so many that I don't know where to start!  There are winter clothes that don't fit me.  There are summer clothes that don't fit me.  There are winter clothes that do fit me.  And there are summer clothes that do fit me.  Besides all these, there are kids clothes down there too.  The only one who doesn't have clothes down there is my husband, who has all his clothes in our bedroom.

Why do I insist on keeping clothes that don't fit me?  I always hope to lose weight and fit into them again.  I have lost major weight a couple of times since being married.  I go from a very large size, not going to say what size, down to a tiny size.  Losing about 20 to 50 pounds each time.  I also am one who puts a small size of jeans hanging on my closet door as an incentive to lose weight.

What is my problem with weight?  I am an emotional eater.  I think I am better at it now.  I have been on some medication for about a year now that has helped.  I don't workout a whole lot.  Right now for my jobs I stand all day, so I don't feel like working out before or after work.  I really want to lose weight though.  My daughter will be a senior next year and I don't want to be the fat mom at Parent's Night walking Elle onto the basketball court.  I inherited very large hips from the dad's mom.  I got these hips in about 5th or 6th grade.  I have two sisters who also inherited these hips.  All three of us are pretty over weight.  My mom is 72 years old now and is an exercise freak and has lost weight down to a size 8 or so.  She is retired and has a lot of "me" time to do this.  When I do work out regularly I do become addicted to it.  One time I was so addicted that I would workout three times a day.  This is when I had a regular 8-5 desk job.  I have never been one to get up in the morning and exercise.  I wish I was!  When I do work out it is either late in the afternoon or at like 9:00 pm at night.

Anyway, getting back to the hoarding.  I am the type of person who doesn't like to throw anything away.  I guess I didn't have a lot growing up, so I don't like to get rid of anything.  I don't know if is healthy having all these clothes around.  The last time I lost weight I tried to get rid of all my fat clothes, hoping I would never need them again.  My husband gets very upset with me because I have all these bags laying around taking up space.  I have started going through them and have sorted out a few things that are no longer in style or can't believe I actually wore!  I know I will feel so much better when it is all sorted out and I have given it to the used clothing store as a charitable donation.  Our local used clothing store is ran by a home for disable people and all the money they make goes to it.  The problem usually is that I sort it all out and then I don't take to the store, it just gets mixed back up with everything else.

I'm going to do it though!  I'm going to sort it all out and get rid of it!  And then I'm going to lose weight and get rid of some more of it and buy new smaller clothes!  My goal is to get down to a very small size jean and buy those jeans with the studded rhinestone crosses on the butt.  I have seen these in the stores and they cost about $90 to $120.  Once I get down there and purchase these, there is no way I'm going to go back to the other, bigger jeans!  I know I can do it because I've done it twice before.  When I do do it, people always ask me if I'm sick.  They think I've lost so much weight because I have an illness!  It's kind of comical actually!  Below is a photo of the jeans I'm going to get into!  Wish me luck!  Maybe I should just wire my jaw shut!  I'd like to get liposuction and a tummy tuck!  I wonder if there is a plastic surgeon who would do this for free!  Dream on!

What Makes You Happy?

Have you ever thought about what makes us truly happy?  Is it material things like traveling, cars, houses, etc.  Or is it family and friends?  When are us most happy?  What does it mean to be truly happy?

I think happiness comes with being stress free.  What does it take to be stress free?  For me it is a happy family life, a great job, no debt, no medical issues, etc.  I have the happy family life.  It has been a very long journey, starting 19 years ago.  There have been some rough bumps along the way, but we have made it full circle.  I'm working on the great job.  I haven't found the "ideal" job.  I always think the perfect job is no job at all!  Financially independent would be awesome.  We are working our way down to no debt, that takes time.  Knock on wood, for now we are medically pretty well.

Other things that would make me happy, like everyone else, are the material things.  I would love to travel with the family.  I would love to have season tickets to football, basketball, or some other sport.  I would love to go to concerts, musicals, plays, etc. whenever I choose to.  I would love to go shopping whenever I wanted and to buy whatever I wanted.  I know there are people who live like that, but I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

I was born to a pig farmer and a nurse.  I came from a tiny town and lived on a farm.  My dad died when I was six years old and that made things a little tight.  We always got what we needed though.  My two sisters and I got most of our clothes when we were really young from used clothing stores, but we had a great time trying them all on and choosing what we liked. We had a wood burning furnace in our basement and chopped our own wood and hauled it down the basement every winter.  Things got better after my two sisters had left home and I was the only one left.  My mom bought a brand new Mustang when I was a freshman in high school and gave it to me.  I was very lucky and loved that car.  I picked my first prom dress out of "Seventeen Magazine".  I went to a private college that was very expensive.

Once you get married and have kids of your own, you realize how expensive it is running a household.  So many bills to pay - the cellphone, the heat, the electricity, etc.  It opens your eyes to what your parents went through.  When my husband and I first got married we moved to Denver, Colorado.  We got into a lot of credit card debt trying to live well.  We ate out a lot, went shopping a lot and did a lot of activities such as skiing, traveling, joining a gym, etc.  We learned quickly how stupid that was.

You always want to give your kids the best and what they want.  We buy our kids clothing labels like Hollister, Aeropostale, American Eagle, etc.  We finally got our daughter her first car, after she had her license for a year.  Our son has been on traveling basketball teams requiring a lot of travel out of state.  We have had to make sacrifices a long the way.  My husband works very hard, long hours.  I try to help out by working 3 jobs.  We do it for our kids.  We do it out of love, simply put.

Someday I hope it all gets a little easier.  Having a little extra money would be nice.  Our kids are old enough to work now and make their own money.  At 17 and 13, they both opened checking accounts recently.  It's weird when your kid has their own debit card and checkbook.  You realize how mature they are getting.  They pay for their own clothes.  My daughter pays for her own gas.  It was my daughter's birthday, so my son writes her a check for $20.

I think it's ok to have nice things and to get to do things, but we must always remember that the most important thing is family.  Having each other and loving each other.  It doesn't get any better than that.   I believe you truly know what this is when you have to go through some tough times together.  Our family has been through some tough times and have bonded because of these times.  You appreciate things you take for granted when you no longer have them.  If we were given everything, we wouldn't appreciate them.  When you save for things and wait for what you want, you love it even more.

I guess my message is enjoy life and the material things, but treasure the ones you love even more.  Don't forget the most important things in life.

Elle's 17th Birthday

My only daughter, Elle Dawn, turned 17 yesterday.  She was born on 09/03/93.  Cool birth date, huh?  She is my namesake, my name being Dawn Ellen.  I was my Great Grandma's namesake, her name being Ella.  It makes me very scared that she is a junior this year.  One more year until she goes away to college.  One more year at home with us.  It will be so hard to let her go.  Let her live independently.  Make her own mistakes.  Live and learn.  Deal with boys who want to use her and break her heart.  I'm actually hoping that she has a boyfriend when she goes to college, then she won't be put in that situation.  The situation that I was in when I went to college. (Actually, I had a boyfriend when I went to college, and broke up with him after the first week there.  After seeing all the cute guys there! lol!  My boyfriend was about 2 years younger than me and I was doing him a favor, right?)  Anyway, back to Elle.

When I was pregnant with Elle 17 year ago, I had preeclampsia (toxemia).  I was induced two weeks early.  I had my water broken and things didn't go too quickly after that.  I was in labor for 28 hours.  I was suck at 9 centimeters dilated.  The doctor decided she had to get her out.  She tried using a vacuum extractor and it broke.  Then she used forceps to pull her out.  Elle came out with a big bruises on her little cheeks, but she was out.  She was stubborn then and is still stubborn now.  Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her shoulder, so when she did come out, she wasn't breathing right away.  But, soon after.  She weighed in at 6 lbs, 9 oz, 21 inches long.  A really long skinny baby.

Today she is about 5'6" and is a size 0.  Still skinny!  She is a quite child, just like she was when we came out.  Very shy.  She is an athlete.  She plays volleyball, basketball and track.  She is a long-distance runner.  She has some unique traits.  Her thumbs have always been irregularly shaped - short and fat.  When she was 15, we discovered this was due to her having Poland Syndrome, a birth defect.  She had to have surgery at 16 to fix another symptom of this syndrome.  Nothing major, she is completely fine now.

Elle is a selfless soul, always giving to others and never wanting anything in return.  When we ask her what she wants for her birthday or Christmas, she will say, "Nothing."  She is very kind and considerate.  She is not someone who raises her voice or gets mad easily.  She is one who doesn't complain and just deals with things.  I'm not sure where she gets this from, because I complain a lot.  Maybe from her dad?  I've also always know what I wanted for birthdays or Christmas.  This is also from her dad. Daddy's little girl.

Being the first child, Elle has had to endure being the first jock in the family.  My husband is a sports fanatic.  He has coached  her in softball, soccer, volleyball and basketball.  He soon discovered that girls are very emotional creatures and couldn't take it anymore!  lol!  Thank God our second child was a boy!

Anyway, happy birthday Elle!  I'm going to make the most out of the last two years I have her at home and try to spoil her often!  My message to all the moms out there is not to take your children for granted, because one day you will wake up and they will be gone to college.