Trying to Believe Again

Growing up my family wasn't too religious.  My father died when I was 6 and I believe my mom "gave up" on God.  I never understood this until recently.  Until my life fell apart too.  If there is a God, then why does he let horrible things happen to us?  Why does he let people get cancer for instance.  If he is always "watching out" for us, then why can't he stop us from making huge mistakes in our lives?  Our we ultimately responsible for our own actions?  People always say, "God has a plan for you", or "this is God's will".  Why would God will some of these horrible things to occur?  I understand through suffering we learn and thrive, but how much do we have to suffer?  How much do we have to endure before enough is enough?  After a while, say a year, of bad this happening, it is natural for a person to stop believing.

Miracles of God.  Are there miracles of God?  Does God make things happen to us?  Then what do you call the bad things?  God's will?  When a young healthy person dies, is this God's will.  I can understand an elderly person passing, but someone young and so alive with so much to live for?  No, I cannot accept this.

Everyone says how powerful prayer is.  How long must we pray before God grants us a miracle?  Does God  always answers our prayers?  Not always.  If you're lucky.  God has granted me a few answers to my prayers, but so many more have remained unanswered.  Why isn't God listening?  Doesn't he always listen?  Isn't he always around us?  Isn't he always watching over us?  I always thought so, but now I'm just not sure.

There has been much injustice in my life of late.  Maybe I deserve it, but where is God?  Why isn't he leading me to what is right?  Where is he leading me?  I am listening, but I can't hear him.  Ok, I haven't been to a church lately, but this is only because I am finding it so hard to believe.  When I look around at church and see people putting up their hands and praising God, I'm thinking, "What do I have to praise him for?"

What am I thankful to God for?  Well, I am thankful for my family.  I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food on the table.  But, what about all the bad times?  Where was God then?  I could make a list of all the times God wasn't there.  When evil things happened in my life.

Maybe God isn't always suppose to answer your prayers.  Then why do we pray?  I don't believe that we are always suppose to suffer either.  Is there a balance to this?  For every good thing, a bad thing happens?  Is there any rhyme or reason to God's "miracles"?  He has been there for at least two major events in my life - when my husband had cancer, and when we thought my son had cancer and ended up not having it.  But on the other end I would have a very long list. 

Should I just "learn my lessons" and lick my wounds and get over it?  Is it like forgiving someone for making a mistake.  I should forgive God and believe again?  Being alone and scared is a very dark place to be, especially when you don't think God is with you.  Are there signs that he is with me that I am missing?  Do I need to be more attentive to finding these signs?

I have not always been a "good" girl.  I have not always been a "bad" girl.  I believe I am a mixture of both good and evil.  I would really like to be more good than evil.  I have been tried too many times to test my good.  I have failed many times.

November 7, 2010

(I usually only write about a subject, but due to lack of time, I've decided to journal a little.)

Last night we went to the annual Fireman's Dance.  I wasn't really prepared on what to wear.  I wanted to wear jeans.  I spent about 5 minutes pulling on a short sleeved green sweater and a pair of black slacks.  Of course, I spent an hour and half on my hair and makeup! We went to a pre-dance party at one of the fireman's house.  When we arrived all the wives were wearing black with sparkly jewels.  I felt a little under dressed.  All the skinny minnies were wearing leggings with thigh-high boots.  I'm pretty sure all of them picked out their clothes the day or week before.  Oh, well.  I pretty much stood out just for not wearing black!

People started drinking at the pre-party.  I was drinking Coors Light because my usual wine would be like $4.00 a glass at the dance, and would be very cheap wine that would cost $3.00 a bottle.  This was a night to let loose for many.  Some drank a little more than others.  Getting a buzz made for interesting dance moves on the dance floor, which included a lot of grinding and sticking your ass out!  There was a circle where someone would get in the middle and do something fun.  It made a fun and interesting night.  We had a really good time.

The band was local.  They played two sets, and were going to play a third due to Daylight Savings time.  We were all partied out at midnight, which was really 1:00 am.  The next big fireman event will be the Christmas party.  Last year it was at the winery.  Hopefully it will be there again this year.  We almost didn't go to the dance at all.  We were suppose to go to a wedding, but those plans fell through due to the step-mother of the bride, my friend, leaving her husband weeks before the wedding.  Wow does she have some good timing!  It would have been very awkward still going to the wedding and her not being there.  If feel a little bad for totally blowing it off though.  Hopefully we weren't missed.

Can't Find Time to Blog Anymore!

I have grown an addiction to playing The Price is Right on Facebook.  Not good!  Spending my time blogging would be much better use of my time!  My kids both have laptops and now we are all always on the computer, with the exception of my husband.  He only gets on to check his email or our checking account.  He thinks we are all addicts.  He's probably right.  It's hard to remember life before Facebook.  How did we communicate with all of our friends before?  Phone?  Email? Face to face conversation?

My husband believes that our kids don't know how to communicate face to face with people because of Facebook.  He believes they don't have any social skills.  Mostly it's my son.  He hardly ever goes out with his friends.  He is always home on the computer.  I don't really believe though that if we took the computer away that he would go out more and do things. Well, at least he's not getting into trouble this way.