Changes

Sometimes life throws huge obstacles in your way - something you didn't expect to happen, a complete shock. Being the very laid back person I am, however, I didn't panic when it happened to me recently. When something unexpected happens, it really makes you realize what you had when it's gone in a second. You realize how good you had it and didn't appreciate it.

There are some things that you just don't have control over in life.  Such as your job.  Changes at your job are unavoidable, unless you are the company owner.  Either you go with it or you can quit. When you need a paycheck, it is not a hard decision to make.  It gets particularly harder when you have a child in college and someone else is depending on your income. However, if things change too much not in your favor, it is hard to handle those changes.

Did I ever imagine that I would be an advertising sales  rep? No, not really. I grew up a very timid girl, quite the opposite of a sales kind of person.  However, I have found out in the past 3 years of selling, that, hey, I am good at it.  I am making a good living at it. I am happy with my paychecks.

Change is a difficult obstacle.  Going from being very relaxed to being pretty uncomfortable and stressed, is not easy.  There are some days that are better than others.  I just need to remember that I have a job.  I didn't lose my job.  My husband is pretty much going through the same exact thing that I am.  He got a shock to his daily work routine also.  Day by day we are working through the changes.  I am a very positive thinking person.  I believe that it helps a lot to get through it.

I know that there will be better opportunities coming our way.  I have a feeling about it. My recent tarot card reading confirmed it. I am praying to God for my family's sake that this is true. I am still waiting to find something that I love to do become my occupation. I want to be excited when I get out of bed in the morning to go to my job, instead of  just wanting to roll over and go back to sleep.

 Card 6 (Wheel Of Fortune) : Outcome »
Expect life to change and quickly. Fate, destiny or synchronicity, call it what you like, positive change and good fortune is evident here. If you have important choices to make trust your intuition. Do you feel that events seem to be evolving without much input from you? If so trust it and go with the flow.

Peace, Guilt, Regret, Risk and Making it Happen

In a perfect world, have you thought about what would bring you peace?  No disagreements, no disappointments, everything perfect.  Peace to me is pretty much silence.  I really hate people arguing and fighting.  I was the youngest of three girls and was five years younger than my last sister.  I have had a lot of alone time growing up.  I remember walking out into the fields and getting in touch with nature.  My best friends growing up were my animals.

Even now I find myself enjoying my alone time.  I love watching TV while enjoying some wine.  I guess you call it down time. Even at work I prefer to be stuck in my office alone without interruption. I used to work in so many jobs were there were people all around you.  I love having my own office and being able to shut the door. Yes, I prefer to work independently, you could say.

There are many other aspects of what brings you peace. Peace is the absence of guilt, to have a guilt-free conscience. I think everyone has things in there past that they feel guilty about doing or saying.  You can try to push it out of your mind all you want, but it is always there.  Everyone wishes there were an "erase" or "redo" button to get rid of their past mistakes. They say that the mistakes we have :made in the past make us who we are today. I guess I agree with this.  When we die our tombstones say "Rest in Peace".  I guess this is the ultimate stage of clearing our minds, clearing out guilt.

It seems like there is always someone who you should have said something to that you just never did for whatever reason.  Someone you should have apologized to that you never did.  Someone you wish would have apologized to you who hasn't.  Fixing these issues before your final days seems important.  It's hard to live with regret.

There are things you wish you would have done during your life that you just never did.  Chances you could have taken that you didn't that now you wish you would have found the courage to take them.  We only live once.  That's all the chances you get. Is it better to have tried and failed than to have never had tried at all?  I think so. But does everyone live by these rules?  No.  Some people are just better risk takers than others.  Are the successful people in life the ones who take risks, or are they the ones who have never taken a risk?

There are plenty of things that I wish I would have done that I haven't.  I wish that I would have gone back to school for something.  I always wanted to be a hairstylist.  I used to have a Barbie head that I could do make-up and hair on.  I loved doing this.  I used to color my mom's hair when I was younger, starting at age 12 or so.  I always wanted to get a tattoo and I haven't yet.  I've always wanted to travel to Europe and never did.

What are the risks I have taken along the way?  I went to college.  I got married.  I moved to Colorado.  I had babies.  I started my own business and failed. I have left plenty of jobs for other jobs that I thought would be better.

I think that people live by "the grass is always greener on the other side" mentality.  We are always wanting more out of live.  We are never satisfied with what we have now.  We always see other people who have what we want and wish we were them. If we really had their lives we still wouldn't be happy.  That brings up the question of what is happiness?  What makes us happy? Everyone has their own individual opinion of what would make us happy.

It is very important to make yourself happy.  To do the things you have always wanted to do. Don't live with regrets! Make it happen!  Take the risk!

 

Figuring Out Life

They always say that life is what you make it.  I feel that sometimes life is what is thrown your way.  There are a lot of scenarios and situations that you don't have any control over that drastically change your life.  I know there are some people who plan their whole life out - what they will do for work, what kind of person they want to marry, where they want to live and how many kids they want to have-a cookie cut-out family and life.  But do these people end up happy?  Do they chose a job for the amount of money it brings in? Then they are not doing what they love.  I think there are many people who are stuck in jobs they don't love.  A person is very lucky if they actually do what they love to make a living.  But, I think there are people who don't know what they love.  They haven't discovered their calling in life.  I'm 45 years old and I can say that I have not found my calling.  Maybe I'm not listening to God or to my heart like I should.

When I went to college, I had every intention of ending up being a newspaper writer.  I even had a job waiting for me after graduation for the Storm Lake Pilot Tribune. But life happened and I got married, and my husband wanted to move to Colorado to find jobs.  He thought there would be more opportunity there.  But, writing jobs there were very competitive.  Basically you had to write for free to start out with.  I was offered a job for a newspaper in Evergreen, Colorado, which was an hour plus drive up into the mountain.  I would only have gotten paid $25 a story.  It didn't seem worth the compute for $100 a week, especially when the roads were icy and dangerous.  My first job in Colorado was at a travel agency.  I did use Pagemaker Pro to create a newsletter for our clients.  My next job was for the Denver Business Journal, a business newspaper.  I was a secretary in the advertising department.  I did write for the in-house newspaper, but that was it. After this I was a secretary for years.  About four years ago I answered an ad for a freelance writer position.  However, when I was interviewed, I was offered the job of an advertising representative.  Since being in this position, I did write one article for the advertiser in a special section. I have considered looking online for a freelance position, or just submitting writing to a magazine, anything to get started.

Anyway, back to life is what happens to you that makes it.  Situations like health issues, losing your job, having financial problems, etc. have a direct influence on what you do in life. But, sometimes when one door closes, a better door/opportunity opens.  Very successful people "accidentally" fall into to something they end of loving. Before it was decided that I would attend a four-year college, I wanted to be a hairstylist.  I often wonder if life would have been different.  My husband graduated with a major in criminal justice and a minor in finance.  His dream was to become a cop. He ended up falling into sales for the money.  

When did I stop?  When did I quit believing in my dreams?  Successful people are those that have a vision and a goal in mind.  They are determined and don't stop for anything.  I was not taught that competitive mentality growing up.  Sometimes I wish that I would have been instilled with this belief.  It would have changed a lot of things for me. I stopped playing competitive sports in junior high.  I think it is a really good thing for children to learn to have the will and determination to win, to reach their goals.  I wish the best for my children.  I want them to follow their dreams in life, whatever they shall be.  Elle wants to be an elementary teacher.  I know she will succeed at this.  Dalton hasn't quite figured it all out yet, but hopefully will soon, since he will be a high school senior next year.

I know it's not too late for Jeff and I to go after our dreams.  Many people start over at 40 something.  I have a friend who is getting an online education who is a single mother of three.  If she can do this, anyone can with the will and determination.  It's all about confidence and self-esteem, the I-can-do-this attitude.  If only I could figure out what I want to do, then maybe I could start to realize my dream. I really need to find some motivation and inspiration.  I have been in a funk for a long time.  I have been settling for an easy job.  I have become lazy in all aspects of my life.  How do you find the light?  I guess I need to start praying more or meditating.  I need to do something fast.  I would like for us both to make more money so that we can travel and enjoy life after our children have left the nest, which will be in 2 years.  God, please show us the way and direct us to the light.

Life Continues to Spin Right By Me

I cannot believe that in less than a month Elle will be off to college for her second year at Northwestern.  Wow, time is flying!  Elle is going to be a part of their cross country team this year and will start training with them next month.  She can get a scholarship for it if her time is good enough during time trials.  She hasn't participated in cross country before, just track.

Soon Dalton will be back in school for his junior year of high school! OMG!  This is unbelievable!  He will be playing on the football team again.  We are hoping that he finds a spot on varsity.  He is very talented in all sports across the board.  Basketball will always be his #1 though. The July weather has  been very unbearably hot.  It will feel great when the fall weather finally arrives and football games.

Jeff will find out in September if he will lose his job with Sara Lee due to their revamping because of the Bimbo Company buying them out.  We are hoping for the best, of course.  I am still at Media Solutions selling advertising for the Smart Shopper and doing billing for it as well.  I like my job.  I don't go in until 9:00 am and I work independently.  I get a long with all of my co-workers.  I love life with no conflicts.  I don't handle stress well at all.

I know I need to make some changes in my life.  I am on a road to destruction with my diet and lack of exercise.  It is my addictive behavior.  Too bad I can't be addicted to exercise!  I have been before, and probably can be again!  I wish my addictions did good things instead of bad!  Would that be awesome? Too bad it doesn't work that way!  I come home from work, cook supper, and then sit in a recliner for the rest of the night.

I look at women who work out and are in great shape, and I am so jealous!  I want to be addicted to exercise and healthy eating!  Why can't it be me?  My dream is to lose the weight and be able to wear cute things again.  I cannot tell you the last time I wore shorts in public.  It has been at least 5 or 6 years ago.  It was the year we went to San Antonio as a family.  When Kirk and Melissa got married, I think.  So, maybe it has been longer than what I think!  Kirk and Melissa have been married 11 years!  OMG!

Why does weight have to be a roller coaster ride?  I get down to a certain size that I love, and a few years later I'm back to where I started again!  I am a very emotional eater.  This I know.  I am very emotional period!  Sometimes I think I need either a medication adjustment or an attitude adjustment!  Or maybe both!  I have no will power and no motivation to move!  Maybe I need someone to shock me in the ass like they do pigs! (Not that I think that is humane for me or pigs!)

Tomorrow is Jeff's 47th birthday.  It's hard to believe that I am 45 and he is 47!  His mom's birthday was yesterday.  She has been gone for seven months now, since January.  My mom will be 74 in November. Elle will be 20 in September and Dalton will be 17 in November.  It makes me remember how precious time really is and that we need to enjoy every minute of it!

My goal for next week is to go and join a gym that I could have been a free member of for over 2 years now.  Stupid that I haven't!  Hopefully it's not too late!  Another goal is to try to handle stress in an alternative way other than eating.  I need to start meditating and doing yoga stretches again.  I need to start taking care of myself!  I need to make a commitment and promise to myself to do these things for my health. I live in a house filled with exercise junkies, you would think that it would rub off sooner than later, right?

Health Update

Went to the rheumatologist on Thursday.  After he had me undress and examine me.  He tells me that he doesn't think I have the systemic lupus, but I can still have the cutaneous skin disease kind of lupus if one of my blood tests comes back positive.  If there is nothing wrong with me then who can explain my rashes, aches and 50 lb weight gain?  I won't be happy if after this visit and all the blood tests I still don't have any answers.  I looked at the blood tests that are already done, and they are all normal, including my thyroid testing.  I don't know what all tests he ordered, so I don't know when all the tests are done.  The doctor said that unless I hear from his office, then everything is normal.  It's very frustrating!  Makes me angry!  I am not wishing to have a disease, but I do have a lot of symptoms for no disease.  I will keep you all informed.

Hugs -

Breaking Dawn

Warning: Rashes Aren't Always Just Rashes

I can't remember exactly when this journey started, but I think it was March maybe.  I had a really bad cold and after it was gone I got a rash on my face.  I went to a local doctor who was working that Saturday after we had gotten back into town from a basketball tournament.  He said that it was an allergy to the protein from the cold.  He gave me an antihistamine and an antibiotic.  The antibiotic cleared most of it up, but not completely.  Back to the doctor I went again.  This time I was given a different antihistamine and prednisone pills.  Still, the rash didn't go away.  Then the doctor decided to do a biopsy on  my face.  I was scared.  I've never had a biopsy done before, let alone on my face!  I already have plenty of scars on my face, so I wasn't worried about one more.  In the meantime of waiting for the results, someone at one of my jobs mentioned that her mom once had yeast infection on her face.  So, I decided to try an anti-fungal cream that I had on hand.  This worked.  The rash on my face finally was gone!  When the biopsy of my face rash did come back, it only showed eczema and psoriasis tissues.  I thought this was the end of this ordeal.

Then, a new one started.  I went to my son's district track meet on a Thursday.  I was out in very sunny 80 degree weather for a few hours.  I didn't think anything of it.  I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans.  Two days later I was covered in another rash.  This time it was on my left hand and all over both arms.  Off to a dermatologist I went this time.  He said that I had an allergic reaction to the sun.  An Iowa farm girl having an allergic reaction to the sun?  Hmmm.  I told him what I used on my face, so he gave me some ointment of the same.  Well, I used this ointment for 2 weeks and this rash was finally almost gone.  I just had some spots that looked like scars left.  I went back for a check up and he said it cleared up nicely and not to worry because he didn't think I would have any scars.  He told me to use a moisturizer for a week and then back on the ointment.  After a week, the rash came back.  Back to the dermatologist I went.  This time he was going to do a biopsy.  While there I asked him if he thought it could be an autoimmune disease because being a self-diagnoser on the internet, I had researched it.  He questioned that we had already done the lupus blood test.  I said no, we didn't.  He went through my online records to make sure because he didn't want to repeat any tests since  insurance wouldn't pay for it.  Finally, he knew that he hadn't done the test.

I waited a week for both of these results to come back, after calling on them for 2 days after the day he said they would be done only to hear every time I called that the nurse was in a room or that the doctor hadn't reviewed them yet.  The biopsy again showed eczema and psoriasis, and the blood test, a ANA antibody testing came back positive which is an indicator of  an autoimmune disease called lupus.

After reading up on lupus, I realized that I have had a lot of the symptoms of the disease.  I have had TMJ for almost 2 years.  I have had body aches off and on for a while.  Lately I have had awful back pain in the morning. I have always taken a lot of ibuprofen, almost daily.  I've noticed weight gain and abdominal bloating.  I also have red spots on my chest that are actually blood vessels that have come to the surface, which is another sign of the disease.    The dermatologist's office made me an appointment to see a rheumatologist.  I can't get in for a month though.  This doctor is the same one my mom goes to for rheumatoid arthritis.  Another clue, that it runs in the family. At this appointment I will have to answer a lot of questions regarding symptoms and have a lot more blood tests ordered.

I am very scared for this specialist to actually say the words to confirm that I have this.  There are a lot of other bad symptoms that can occur including hair loss and kidney failure.  Whatever the future holds regarding it, I will just have to work through it and not give up.  With the right drugs it is very manageable, but not curable.  I will keep an update going on this journey.

The Stages of Life

Elle, Big Grandma and Dalton

As my mother-in-law Mildred was getting up there in age, hitting 90 two years ago, we knew the day was coming for her to meet the Lord, her maker.  This day has arrived, as she passed away this morning around 7:00 a.m.  I think I am still in shock.  It doesn't seem real.  It began on Wednesday with her having a fall at the nursing home.  They thought she broke her femur, but CT scans showed she didn't and her orthopedic doctor thought she would return to the health center in a few days.  Then, on Thursday morning my husband gets a call from her MD saying that she had taken a turn to the worse.  Her kidneys were shutting down. It was mind boggling how things could change so quickly, just when you stop praying for her to be ok. The doctor told us that when you are her age and the kidneys shut down that it is usually within 48 hours that they are gone. My husband sat by her bedside Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  I accompanied him on Thursday, knowing I had to bring myself to go and see her and say my goodbyes.  This was one of the most difficult things for me to do, having witnessed my own father passing away in a hospital bed when I was only 6 years old.  To say I have problems coping with death and funerals, is an understatement.  Knowing she was suffering, it was a relief when she was finally at peace with God.  She hung on until all of her children were there to see her and says their goodbyes.  They came from Texas, Colorado and California.

Elle is at college and feels horrible that she hasn't been here during this hard time.  This is her and Dalton's first time having to deal with losing a loved one.  It will be very difficult to watch how they react to her services and burial.  Death is a horrible thing to have to deal with, but yet a stage of life that we must endure. They are both very fortunate to not be forced to deal with it until now.  My husband and I both lost our dads when we were very young.

Rest in Peace Mildred.  I hope you are with your husband and all the other loved ones who passed before you.  You will be missed my many. We all love you always.